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MushBuffy
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Name: Officer lil' motam
Country: United States
State: Oklahoma
Metro: Ponca City
Birthday: 6/1/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: getting over myself, learning mercy, aaaaaart: stencils, clay, charcoal, paint, dioramas of tiny pipe-cleaner chickens(one day..), etc. napping. new turns in the road, new people, though i've become a shy one.
Expertise: making absolutely no sense at all. making strange noises as i do EVERYTHING. laughing at silly things. being awkward around..everyone? putting my foot in my mouth. remembering useless information.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message me
Member Since:
7/13/2003
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| "I am a passive aggressive shit."
"What?"
"Yeah."
"Still?"
"...yeah."
"Grow the fuck up, man."
"..."
(sighs, "damn..")
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| I am one obstinate little s#!%
go me.
God fix this little fool, Bless this little fool who needs your blessings to breathe her breath and think her thoughts that amount to little more than selfish whims. I say I want to serve but I don't like this outlet. Strike me with love for the lost, with my own selfishness..and peel my eyes from things I am not ready to receive.
"You don't have to come back, but you do have to go out."
How will I understand the personality of God if I don't experience new areas of service?
Do you base your perception of God on your most recent failure, or His most recent kindness to forgive you?
You cannot out-sacrifice God. Stop trying and accept His grace to forgive you. You cannot atone. LEARN TO RECEIVE. Learn to love His kindness. Lord fill me past my shyness, my stubbornness and my lethargy. Bless me Lord, or I will perish. I have no life apart from you. Keep me from saying hurtful things, keep me from hurting others. Have mercy on me, keep me from evil. Amen.
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| I AM SO HAPPY I COULD CRAP ON THE FLOOR.
Five Iron is coming out with a DVD.
At the risk of sounding like to much of a lunatic on facebook, i've decided to emote here.
Hope you still love me.
(seriously though, I could.)
 Cookie pocket (is not insane) 
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| for no freaking reason. its frustrating really...
I've got stuff to do. As is always true when I feel the compulsion to blog on xanga. On the infinite list of time-wasting distractions, xanga's actually closer to the bottom. So yeah, once I get done with my list..MAYBE I'll get on that project that's literally making me crazy. Man, my schedule is terrible. Almost as much as my un-productive habit of evading work. constantly.
But holy crap, i'm gettin' delivered!
I sat on a friend's couch the other day and talked to her for over four hours. When we finally got to the part of my life that the stronghold is built in, the confusion came over me so thick that she went and got her amazing mother who prayed for my darkened mind. I won't go into details on what i experienced pre-deliverance, mostly because i don't want to risk it manifesting again, but it was not good. Her warrior mother put her hands on my head and prayed for the spirit to leave, bound it up and sent it away. She prayed for laughter and joy to 'bubble over' in me, a sort of thing that's never come easily, probably because it usually happens in front of people who want me to flop on the floor or cry out in tongues or something I wouldn't want to do even if the compulsion came, just because they were so adament about that being the evidence that I was holy..or whatever they wanted to see proven..(YES, even though manifestations are totally biblical, i've never felt like they were being asked for to convince me--I've always felt as if the people praying just wanted to know that they could stop praying and leave.)
And just like i've resented people in the past for trying to force signs out of me( instead of just asking for my healing,), I began to resent her for what she was doing. But even though I didn't feel or want to laugh,(for her, i thought,) it flew out of me. Tears and laughter and a lifting off of my spirit. And it carried over to her daughter. And we laughed and she prayed some more.
I've never had something, answers, words, visions--I don't remember anything manifesting as quickly and as unexpectedly as that laughter did. I've never caught the spirit of laughter. It was needed though, and i'm so glad God came to me there.
I'm being prayed for and led in prayer for deliverence from a stronghold in my life. I'm re-learning sensitivity, arresting my wandering mind, and praying for my heavy heart. I'm back in the game, so to speak. Its not completely broken yet, but its coming--it will fall and I will walk past it and into whatever God has for me beyond it. Amen amen amen, the glory of contending--I want to learn how to fight. Turn my empathy into passionate prayer towards the will of God. I want character. I want His will.
I didn't talk about anything i meant to, but that's fine. i'll be back here later.
(slightly less tired now..)
coookie pocket
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| i know the teen years are a sick rollercoaster of emotional roadblocks and neurotic hang-ups, (oh wait, that's only the beginning of those things..) but at least we were more verbal about it. GHHRAHHthere's this drab film that sticks to our outer selves that feels like a mold on past/current relationships. Its grey and nasty and its spores dry the air when someone tries to convey what's actually going on in their lives. Emotionally, spiritually--it just seems like everyone's boxed up...like, " its time to grow up now! No intimate fellowship for you! Deal with it on your own, whiner!" No hugs, no pats on the shoulder, i guess i'm just crazy for the closeness of the friendlier people i had at my old completely effed up church. I don't know people well where I go now, and i can feel their hesitation when they walk up to me, when they talk to eachother. It's maddening. They're scared of the deep. Who wouldn't be? Carrying eachother's burdens means being moved with compassion to act in pray on their behalf. You have to, GET TO, hold their hands, touch their shoulder, hug their necks and tell them it will be ok as they release years of pain and actually START TO GROW. One step forward, two steps back, the endurance it takes is incredible. But it is so worth it. Like a fire shut up in my bones, I hate this empathy that moves me to tears everytime the hurting cross my mind. They weigh on my heart. What can I do? What do I do? How do I leave it at prayer and how do I begin to pray? I am surrounded by pain and unbelieveable battles that I JUST F***ING GET TO WATCH?!
You can top all of this off with my raging neuroticism, self-centeredness, lingering offense, fear of intimacy with God, and an obsession with marriage I shouldn't even be beginning to think about, and you've got a Stephanie. One, screwed up, self-hating Stephanie who's tired of being tired and confused.
God save me, my one most embarassing vices is rearing its ugly head again and i'm getting so ashamed that I can hardly think.
And for whatever strange reason, I feel like i've done something horribly wrong by quitting my job at a restaurant so i can budget my money and go to school while selling art, like I want to do when I leave the college. WHY do i feel so wrong about this? Because i don't want to stress anyone out?
But God loves me, Oh He loves me. He keeps showing my how He's saved my from my own naivety, from all kinds of danger all this time. He keeps taking me back to where we met and it still makes me happy. I still know He's real. I know He's here. I know He is the final Word.
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